It is becoming increasingly common to hear of women who want sex more often than their husband does. In part, this is the result of a greater willingness to speak up about the problem, but there are other factors at play. Due to things ranging from stress to obesity to internet porn, a growing number of men are less interested in sex, less able to have sex, or unable to be aroused by their wife as they should.
There is one other cause of these problems that needs to be noted before we move on. If there is a significant ongoing problem between you and your husband, this can also harm his desire/ability to be sexual with you. Hurt feelings may continue even after something is resolved or buried, so past problems could be an issue too. If he feels you take him for grated, don't respect him, or expect unreasonable things from him, his sexual interest in you will be effected. If any of these are at play, the ideas here are a bandage on a lost limb – deal with the problem first, and then apply the ideas here if his sex drive does not return.
The reasons for a lack of male sex drive are many, and a checklist of sorts can be found in our Lack of Desire article. The purpose of this article is to give frustrated wives some practical ideas that may help them entice their husband to have more sex. If your husband is afraid that his sex drive makes him a monster, suffers from sexual guilt, or is concerned you don't really want or enjoy sex, these suggestions should either get him past his hang up, or create a crisis that will bring the hang-up to light. If your husband is suffering from a low sex drive, or is just too busy, these ideas may be effective. If your husband has fed on porn to the point he can’t be aroused by a real woman (any real woman, not just you), these ideas will likely not be of much help.
If these ideas don't help, you may have a serious problem, and it's probably time to seek help. Please note that sexual problems can be a warning sign of significant health issues; his primary care doctor needs to know about any change in desire or sexual function – it could literally save his life.
Because men have a wide variety of likes and dislikes, and a wide variety of sexual baggage, you should pick and choose from the things suggested here. However, don't assume you know what he will like, and don't assume his first reaction to something reveals his true feelings. If you want to precipitate a change, you're going to have to be bold and take some risks.
The male brain is wired a certain way when it comes to sex, and regardless of how strong or weak a man's drive is, his basic sexual wiring is the same. In a nutshell men like to see sex organs (breasts and genitals), and like to see those parts doing something. Men also like variety. The idea here is for a woman to learn how to use these things to arouse her husband.
Before we start, you need to ditch any worries you have about not looking good, or being able to arouse your husband visually. First, realize that most women are far more attractive than they think. Second, realize that most men are not as into sexual perfection as you think. The looks of the average centrefold or porn star are icing on a cardboard cake. If you are going to look at a two dimensional image of something you can't have, you care about every little detail; but when you are having real sex with a real woman those things are not important. Third, realize that men are practical, the wife you have is better than the woman you don't have. To be blunt ladies, it's not what you've got, it's how you use and display what you've got. A woman who is overweight, flat as a board, or otherwise not up to some worldly standard of sexy, can easily drive her husband crazy with lust (it's okay for him to lust for you) if she knows how to do it. The biggest block to making this work is worrying about looking or acting silly. You have nothing to lose, so abandon shame and embarrassment, get in there, and turn your man on!
Don't wait until you want sex to start turning him on. For men arousal is a cumulative thing. Get a man turned on then walk away, and his conscious awareness of his arousal will fade, but his body and his mind have been primed. The next time he is aroused the response will be faster and stronger. Plan ahead, and work him up off and on over time rather than trying to get him going all at once.
All that said, here are a number of ideas. In some sections, I have listed a number of similar ideas to try to help you understand how his mind works. Once you understand his sexual mind, you will be able to come up with your own ideas.
Show him or make him think about your body
Nudity, hints of nudity, and making him think about your sexuality are good ways to prime the pump before you get him to bed. Some ideas to get you started:
- Lift your skirt for a couple of seconds to show him sexy panties, or no panties.
- Tell him that you are not wearing any panties. Whispering this to him in public is especially good.
- Go to the bathroom, remove your panties, and hand them to him when you come out. Again, this works especially well in public (be discreet).
- Buy (or make) panties that tie on the sides - you can untie and remove them discreetly.
- While in the car, remove your bra from under your clothes.
- In the car, lift your skirt or dress up high on your leg. When stopped at a light and sure no one can see, put his hand between your legs. A dress or skirt with buttons down the front gives a similar opportunity by undoing one or two buttons.
- Flash a breast at him at an isolated stop light.
- Wear a blouse or shirt that hangs open when you bend over, and flash him.
- Flash your panties, or lack thereof, by sitting across from him. Be sure no one else can see, but if you can pull this off in public, it will really affect him.
At home, you can be even more direct, especially if you have no kids around. Even if you have kids, you can find a moment here or there.
- Walk into the room naked from the waist up, or the waist down. Then do carry on as if you were fully dressed.
- Buy some really sexy lingerie (black or red, crotchless, a thong) and make sure he sees you put them on in the morning, or before you go out together.
- Serve him a multi course dinner. Each time you bring in a dish, be wearing one less item of clothing. By dessert, be naked.
- Serve him breakfast in bed wearing nothing but an apron.
- Without warning, while he is watching, lift your shirt, massage your breasts (getting your nipples erect) then lower your shirt and go on like nothing happened.
- Do some naked exercising. Stretching out naked is also good. Or tease him by doing it in just panties, or nothing but a tee-shirt.
- Take pictures of yourself naked, especially close-ups of your more sexual parts (Polaroid, or digital). Make sure they remain private between the two of you, but use them to add to his arousal. Put a picture on his dinner plate. Tape one to the bathroom mirror. Set one as the desktop for his computer, or make a series of them his screensaver (this only works at home, and if no one else will see it). Send them to his phone (make sure it won’t pop up and be seen by others).
- Buy some sexy, revealing, totally immodest clothes you would never wear in public, and wear them just for him. Second hand and thrift shops are great for this. The kind of provocative clothing worn when he was in high school is likely to be particularly effective, and dangerously high heels will get most guy’s attention.
Talk sex to him
What you say affect him. No doubt these sound corny to you, but try some and see what happens. By the way, most men are grabbed by "slang" terms, so if you don't have a problem using them in their sexual way, try it.
- "I've been thinking about your penis all day."
- "I was thinking about having sex with you, and now I'm all wet."
- "My mind keeps drifting... to your crotch."
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