A baby brings with it joy and excitement to its parents, loved ones and the world at large. However at other times, when unplanned for and unexpected, it brings with it uncertainties and depression. It alters the plans, ambitions and purposes of either parents or most especially the mother’s. It makes such a parent want to rewind and wish so many times that it never happened. The regret of having unprotected sex and even being so careless to allow that baby grow unexpectedly becomes very unbearable. There are so many times you wished you lost the pregnancy, so many times you wished the ultrasound scan reveals the child is dead; after all, it most likely resets you to before baby state. Single!
Who will marry a single parent? If you are a single father, it might be easier but for a single mother, you are labelled for life and might have difficulties in getting married to a guy who had never had a child or married. You are viewed as wayward, one who has lost her way and has a child to show for it. Unknown to many, if you were that wayward, you would be smart enough to prevent that baby from coming unexpectedly. This is my story; this is my burden, my cross and my crusade. This changed my life forever and how I suffered and went through so much pain searching and longing for love in the wrong places and with the wrong people. Whew! It wasn’t easy but I found happiness, I found joy and peace and I want to help someone do the same.
Rules for Single Parents
1) Declare your assets: Do not go into a relationship with anyone without declaring your asset, which in this case is your child. This could cause a heartbreak and disappointment from the other person. Tell them from the start about your child, let them calculate if they can marry you or not. Not everyone can marry a single parent and please do not hate them for this. It’s a huge task and responsibility that not everyone can handle. I made this blunder a lot times thinking I wanted the guy to love me for me without any encumbrance then later, I could tell him the greatest secret of my life. Of course, this usually signaled the end of that relationship and it left me wiser.
2) Love is not enough: This may be true for most relationships but this is a standard rule for a single parent. You can’t just fall in love like others; you have to calculate your cost more. Your relationship should go beyond love; find out if this person can tolerate your child and even be a parent for him/her. I am not saying you marry or date someone who you have no feelings for, but do not marry that person solely for love. Marry them when you can see a future which your child would be mostly comfortable.
3) Be slow to introduce your child: Though meeting your child can help solidify your relationship with your spouse especially when there is an affinity between both of them. However, it’s safer not to introduce your child officially to this person for the sanity of that child. Having introduced so many uncles and aunties to your child, s/he might get disappointed if some hopes and love have been around that person and then, a break up. Please be sure that relationship is heading somewhere serious before you expose that child to the world.
4) Gun for total acceptance: Please make sure your spouse accepts that child totally. This could be hard but it’s in the best interest of your child. S/he never begged to come to this world, so do not make them suffer for your mistakes. Marry someone who will accept your child totally without segregating him/her from the other children you have together. If possible, let your child live with you because that child needs a balanced home to grow up in; not live with some old relatives or in a faraway boarding school. Also, know that no one can take care of your child like you can hence the need for him/her to live with you.
5) Always put your child first: Before making the decision to go on a date or be in a relationship with someone, always put your child first. Will this decision favour him/her? Will it hurt him/her? Especially when you eventually want to settle down with that person, please consider your child in all of it. Will this person make a good mother or father for them?
6) Be a good role model: Be a good role model for your child in everything you do. I know being a parent happened to you unexpectedly and you still have to live your life, but please know that you are now the number one mentor for that child. You are mentoring him/her unconsciously in everything you do, so please choose wisely what you do in their presence. Make sure your spouse will make a good role model for the child.
Never forget to live your life to the fullest, always remember that your child is God’s gift and a help to you in years to come and give him/her the best treatment you can. You deserve the best, do not settle for less.
Written by Lara Kudayisi-Emerald! Check out her blog, www.shatteredglassng.com
This piece is published with the permission of Lara Kudayisi-Emeralds. Follow Lara on Twitter: @LaraKudayisi
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